On needing courage November 10, 2009

I have this idea for a photography project in the back of my mind for a long time. I keep thinking about it, then pushing it away as it is “oh so scary”. Then I think about it again until I get all scared again. Initially, when on the photography course, I thought: I do it. Then I pushed it away again. The project is about my neigbhourhood and has the working title “In the hood”.

Last night when I sat down with my husband and chatted after photography class. I was talking about the project I was going to do for the last assignment and how I was sure (and worried to an extent) that it would not go down very well. That I wasn’t quite sure why I even cared about it, but that I did. My husband asked me why I didn’t do “in the hood” instead. Oh my god. Why can he remember stuff like this forever yet forget something his mother tells him to tell me immediately?

Now, “in the hood” will require me to ask my neighbours if I can take their pictures, explain the idea of what I am trying to achieve, really opening up on “hey I am a photographer” to the community I live in. I know my community well I think but it’s “surface knowing”. This project would mean that I let them in on “my secret”. I am also unsure if I can really pull off the gritty style of documentary photography it requires. And I am super scared. I mean chances are that everyone says “No”. And then I have put myself out there and then they know. SARK in one of her books said to write down the list of what you are afraid of. On my list there is “people will laugh about me”. And I know that all the reasons why I say I cannot do it are just excuses.

I am sitting here still unsure if I will ask anyone. If Iwill do it or just push it back. The gremlins are working over time at the moment, obviously relishing the fact that I am so scared. I don’t want to be scared, I want to be brave. I am thinking about the thing I read about that when you feel fear it is usually a good indication that you need to do it, that you should listen inside and know you will be ok.

Ok, you might think that I have already been brave (which I have) and that the following steps of bravery should come easier. Let me tell you: It doesn’t get easier. Every new act of courage requires a new leap of faith and although I know I jumped before I am still totally unsure about what the landing surface is like on the other side.

And as I just put the radio on they played Leona Lewis new song “Happy”. Crikey, is this some kind of divine intervention?

The lyrics have this part in them:

“So what if it hurts me?
So what it I break down?
So what if this world just throws me off the edge,
My feet run out of ground
I gotta find my place
I wanna hear my sound
Don’t care about all the pain in front of me
I just trying to be happy
I just wanna be happy, yeah”

I guess I just have to do this. So what if it hurts me!

20 years ago November 9, 2009

I sat in the lounge with my grandmother watching some program which has totally vanished out of my memory when suddenly the program was interrupted to say “The wall is open.” Sheer disbelief, my grandmother said: “Is this for real.” And then the phone started ringing. There was a knock on the door, the neighbour: Erni, switch the TV on. Erika, our neighbour and us were watching it. And then suddenly the tears started rolling. In hindsight, you could see it was inevitable with all the events that had been leading up to it. Still at the time (and in a way still today) it was a miracle. I am actually crying writing this.

20 years ago so many Germans were so happy, 20 years ago we embraced at the wall openings, welcomed family to our homes that had never seen how we lived. Ok, since the reintigration has not been easy, but I don’t want to think about that today. For today, I will just remember the miracle!

Meditation November 8, 2009

When I was pregnant with Dharma I did pregnancy yoga with a local tutor. I absolutely loved the sessions as they were the only hour in the week when I didn’t feel too ill. Some weeks I almost felt good during the yoga practice. Part of the course was a Saturday class with partners for birthing preparation, birthing meditation which was called Yoga Birthing. Anthony and I both enjoyed the session, Anthony absolutely loved the “experience pain” bit, hard to describe but he was all: I need to do this again.

Now, I didn’t have a yoga birth, still I think the practices helped me as I was very calm with all that happened. And calm, well calm, wasn’t really me back then. I know that I was so calm because Kat taught us what she called the “golden thread meditation”. I did this all the time, concentrating on the golden thread, making my own safe place. Unfortunately, I didn’t keep the meditation practice up afterwards with having a newborn and all. And these things need constant practice…

All the time since having Dharma I have been thinking about doing yoga again, but am a bit worried about my joints as I have hypermobility syndrome and well I worry about the potential injury. Although, I’ve got to say that the jury is a bit out on this one as I have recently found out and as  e.g. this article shows.

Anyway, I am still thinking on the yoga front and I am not so sure if I liked the yoga or just the meditation bit of yoga. The bit where I was told to switch off my brain. To relax, to be calm, to focus on just me and my body. That was totally revolutionary for me. I really, really find it very hard to relax. I mean properly. Not talking about switching the TV on or reading a book here, might be a valid form of winding down but it is certainly not proper relaxation as you are still being stimulated. No, I mean the kind of relaxation where you do nothing, think nothing, give the good old brain a rest. I need this badly as I just keep thinking. I know this sounds funny but seriously it’s not at times as my mind just keeps going at 100 miles per hour.

So, I signed up for a meditation class this Tuesday at a local Buddhist temple. And to be honest I cannot wait. Sessions include the following:

Week 1: Inner Peace for difficult times – Dealing with pain and stress

Week 2 – Inner Freedom – Overcoming attachment

Week 3 – Moving on – Overcoming sadness

Week 4 – The peace of acceptance – overcoming anger

Week 5 – Confidence to change – how to increase confidence

I am open to this experience and I am also open to acknowledge true feelings about it. If I like it great, if not then well it was just not the right route. Many roads lead to Rome and all. But I will give it my best shot.

8 things: Saints and Sinners November 7, 2009

Over at Magpie Girl’s blog, the 8 things was inspired by Dia de los Muertos (“Allerseelen” in German, which means “All Souls”). I read her list of Saints and Sinners before I went to bed the night before last and somehow Rachelle ended up in my dream and she was getting cross at me for not being able to come up with 8 things for Saints and Sinners. Although, she assured me via twitter she would never get cross, I thought I better do it anyway.

So here are my 8 Saints and Sinners:

1. Albert Schweitzer: I went to a Grammar School in Germany that bore his name. 9 years. I loved school, absolutely blooming loved it. Hard to believe I know. But back to him. I never appreciated what a great man he was despite all the effort by our teachers and school to convey it. He was a man of great ethics. “Until he extends his circle of compassion to include all living things, man will not himself find peace.” He founded a hospital in Africa, Lambarene, he won the Nobel Prize, he loved music and was the founder of the “Orgelbewegung”. He was a doctor, a theologan and anti-colonialist (and that was huge back then). He was a follower of dreams. A truly great man.

2. Jane Austen: I am certainly not alone with my love for Jane Austen. She is one woman universally admired and loved. I love her books and re-read them often. Especially, Persuasion, which is my favourite. I like that she was a cynic. And that she possibly didn’t quite fit in. Why else would the “not fitting in” be such an important part in all her books.

3. My grandfather: I have no real memory of him, still he belongs there. With all the mystery of his past, his family and what happened during the war. Was he German, Czech or Hungarian or Austrian? I will never know.

4. Tante Else: My grandmother’s older sister. She married a Czech man and stayed in the Czech Republic after the war. Seamstress par excellence, when she came to visit she would sit over the sewing machine all day and produce the most wonderful items of clothing. She is also a style icon for me, as she was always impeccably dressed. And she was funny, if you were in her company you’d laugh until your belly aches.

5. My Grandmother “Oma”: As much as recent events have shone not such a nice light, as difficult as she was, as discouraging as she was and despite her protecting my father all my life, despite all of that, I do miss her. I love that the simple act of baking a cake can bring back happy memories of my childhood.

6. My best friend: Miss her. Every.Single.Day.

7. Albert Einstein: I always think if I’d met him I’d have cooked him “Knoedel und Rotkraut” (dumplings and red cabbage). Love his wit. And his intelligence. “Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new.”

8. Marlene Dietrich: For all her faults, I admire her because she a) realised that the Nazis were bad news b) was at the frontline entertaining troups c) was dedicated to her art d) must have been an incredible cook and e) she loved Berlin.

Why don’t you play along, simply go to Magpie Girl’s blog and start doing an 8 things list.

Thankful Friday: It was showtime November 6, 2009

Earlier in the week I had to present the fruits of my labour, i.e. I had to show my photographs to my fellow “classmates” in the photography course. I had mounted the pictures on board as we had to find a way to present them. I was last to present, as the tutor went randomly through our names. Seeing the others’ work was really interesting as it was all so different, there was no 2 approaches the same, no 2 presentations the same – it was amazing. Subject matters were so diverse from autumn trees to statues, from wild animals to human eyes, from Buddhist temple to urban landscape. When it was my turn, my heart pounded in my throat and I had to remember that in the past I held presentations in front of hundreds of people and that surely standing in front of 10 people wasn’t going to kill me. And it didn’t. For a bit, no one said anything when I put my board up, the longest time in my life really. And even today, a few days later I am not sure if they liked it. My tutor didn’t like it, but I knew that before I went. He complemented me on my organisational skills. It’s ok. I am proud of myself and I know that when you do something so highly personal than I did, you are asking for rejection. This is part of the game. I felt this overwhelming sense of achievement. I did it, I found a model, organized the shoot, developed a concept, edited the images, did some photoshop I never done before, I had the images printed and mounted them. Wow! Standing there in front of my peers I just felt happy!

So this week I am thankful:

- for growing a thicker skin

- for working on my business website which I will hopefully launch by the end of the month

- for the wonderful books I am reading at the moment

- for Dharma enjoying her music classes so much and her singing pretty much everywhere we go

- for small things that make a big difference, like a sofa cover transforming the room

- for having chats with my husband and talking about things that are important to us

- for starting to bake for Christmas (I know it’s only November)

Above all though this week I am thankful for being me. I am finally me again or rather I am being the “me” that I always knew was in there but who I kept hidden. I am being me and I am having lots of fun!

Have a nice weekend everyone. Thanks for stopping by. You made my day!

 

Love Thursday: Bubbles November 5, 2009

This week’s love Thursday is totally from the perspective of my daughter. She loves bubbles. Especially, bubbles at grandma’s. And even more so if it is bubbles with her cousin. All is good in the world (according to Dharma) when you got bubbles.

happy love thursday!

Love Thursday is inspired by chookooloonks!

Song of the day November 4, 2009

I just love the song. Makes me feel good. Like only good music can.

A new lease of life November 4, 2009

I bought a sofa cover for our sofa. See the sofa is fine to sit on, just started to look a bit yuck as all three cats like to scratch it. I know. We tried a scratch post. Trust me,  we did. I think if it was any of the three cats scratching it would be fine. But it’s 3 of them (THREE of them). So I bought this wonderful sofa cover in a warm red tone and hey presto: The sofa has a new lease of life. I could call it “recession busting approach to home decor”. I won’t. I just call it a sofa cover.

I feel like I have a new lease of life as well. Depression is well and truly gone. I was talking  about post-natal depression yesterday and it made me realise that it has gone now for such a long time. See when you are depressed you are tired, without motivation, without any hope for the future. There is hardly any life left in you. So once you get out the other end you start to feel like anything is possible.

I remember reading this quote from Kahlil Gibran and I now think that this was the point when I wandered out of depression.

“Many of us spend our whole lives running from feeling with the mistaken belief that you cannot bear the pain. But you have already borne the pain. What you have not done is feel that you are beyond that pain.”

So here is to having a new lease of life. I can honestly say that my sofa likes it. And so do I.

There is a difference between a dream and wishful thinking November 3, 2009

OK, so I am a dreamer. A believer and I dream of big things. I know that those who are not experienced in the art of dreaming it may all seem so “airy-fairy” and a bit out there. You may even wonder if I am not simply just doing wishful thinking and I should maybe get real? Getting close? Yeah, I thought so.

Ok, so I let you in on a secret: There is a huge difference between a dream and wishful thinking.

Let’s take my dream about becoming a successful photographer. At the moment, I can take a decent photo, but in order to cut it professionally I need a much better camera, better equipment all-round. I also would need to produce images much more consistent in quality.

Now, if I were wishful thinking, I would sit here in my lounge thinking: Oh it would be so nice to be a successful photographer. And that would be it. Maybe I would look up the equipment on the internet and think that I’d really like a D300. But that is already pushing the boundary. The weird thing with wishful thinking is that it usually goes hand in hand with “oh no, I must not jinx it” and of course it also is accompanied by a big dose of inactivity.

The thing with dreaming is that already the beginning of the dreaming requires courage. E.g. my photography dream: Saying it out loud, that yes, indeed I want to become a photographer – well that is scary. (With other dreams it is even scarier especially when they are way out there). Telling other people about your dream is even more scary. And this is only the beginning. If I stopped just there then it would be not to different from wishful thinking.

So, the next thing with dreaming is that you need to become active. Now, I am not talking about renting a photography studio. For me, it was for example to go on this advanced photography course. Another step is working conciously on my portfolio. I researched a way to create a website that I can afford yet looks professional and I am working on it (15 minutes a day – I do loads of things in 15 minutes chunks these days). I get out of my comfort zone. I constantly think what I could do next in terms of photography and well then I do it. And no, I am still not talking about renting a studio or buying the expensive camera. Today for example I will find a few more pregnant ladies (well, I know a few who in turn know a few) and then hopefully organise a few shoots! And I will spend some more time researching pricing.

Then the other thing with dreaming and keeping your dream alive is that you have to believe and trust it. And this is the”biggie” I know as I used to find it hard. See in order to believe and trust in your dreams you have to believe and trust in yourself first. The sort of “catching yourself when you fall” and “letting go” kind of belief. You can do that by placing affirmations around your house and reading them all the time. I have the affirmations from Jen from my Mondo Beyondo course all over the house plus some of my own. My bathroom mirror sports: “You can trust this dream.” Above my desk I can read: “My dream will find me.” You get the idea. You also have to change the self-talk. See, for a long time I used to talk to myself about how rubbish, inadequate and stupid I was. Now, that sort of stuff doesn’t get me anywhere. I talk much nicer to myself now. And I believe it, I didn’t so at first but now I do.

Be positive and don’t let knock-backs ruin everything. The printing of my pictures for my photography project went all wrong. Jessops messed it all up and so on Sunday I had no pictures. I then went to Sainsbury’s and they totally screwed it up. For a moment, when I took the pictures out of their sleeve at home I thought someone had punched me in the stomach and the gremlin came to raise his head: You can’t do this, you won’t have anything to show tomorrow because you are not good enough. I allowed myself 5 minutes of despair. And then said: STOP. Asked my husband to help change the picture formatting. Got in the car, went back to Sainsbury’s, explained the situation to the lady and she redid my pictures FOR FREE!

So what I am saying is that, yes, dreaming is about sitting in an armchair exploring the maybes. But dreaming is also getting out of the armchair and doing something. It’s a bit like exercising: when the muscles hurt then you must be doing it right.

Autumn sunshine November 2, 2009

I am in love with autumn. Especially this year’s autumn, it has just been wonderful.

Having said that I also really liked all the rain yesterday and being cosy and warm inside, reading the Sunday papers and drinking tea.

Hope you all have a great week!