Thankful Friday: Mindfulness rocks March 19, 2010

Yes, I have been trying to apply more mindfulness into my life, specifically be more present in the tasks I do and choose to do every day. You know I used to be one of these “I open the mail while talking to me daughter and answering a phone call while I sip on a cup of coffee and think about what to cook for dinner” people. It’s so stressful but somehow I had this thing that I constantly had to prove (to whom I don’t know) that I am ace at multi-tasking. All the time. It wears you out and the downside is: It makes no one happy. How often did I start things without finishing… I don’t know. So the empty envelopes remained on the sideboard, while I finished the phone call and I still was none the wiser what to cook for dinner. From now on I am mindful to what I do. Like now. I am writing this post with no distractions, right now there is no other place for me to be than sitting here at this computer pouring out my thoughts “onto the page”. When I play with my daughter then I will just play, no answering the phone, no checking emails in between and no sipping coffee. When I do the washing up, I do the washing up, no cooking, stuffing the washing machine or answering the phone (the phone is a big issue for me…). Already, I am reaping the rewards, Dharma is so happy. It’s not that she was unhappy before, far from it but the happiness scale has just hit the roof. I am more relaxed. More things get done and I do find this the most surprising.

I am thankful this week for many things:

- Thankful for my mother in law she loves all her grand children and I really appreciate it especially when I hear stories of other grandmothers not caring or favouring children of one child rather than the other. Dharma loves her grandma a lot which is lovely.

- Thankful for keeping my cool no matter what happens.

- Thankful for mothering sunday that included breakfast in bed, sushi and some serious relaxing.

- Thankful for our family picture.

- Thankful for two photography jobs I won this week and for a charity wanting me to do a stand at their annual event.

- Thankful for being able to dry my washing outside on the line again. Yay.

- Thankful for speaking to an old friend on the phone for over an hour. I am not much of a phone person but it was nice to chat to her.

- Thankful for loosing another 2lbs.

- Thankful for getting a pedometer and realising that actually I am already doing quite well excercise wise… I am walking about 5.6 miles on a daily basis – without even trying as this is just what I have to do. Wow.

- Thankful for inhalers. Cough, cough, cough. I accepted that inhalers mean that it makes it easier for me to breathe but it doesn’t mean that I am ill.

- Thankful that I remembered to send a birthday card to a friend who has her birthday tomorrow. First time in a long time I remembered to do that.

- Thankful that my old friends are always there with open arms. No matter how long I haven’t been in touch. No matter how quiet I have been. That I can call them happy or sad, that they are just there in the wings and that they always encourage me… You know who you are.

It takes a long time to grow an old friend.  ~John Leonard

Have a good weekend. Maybe take a moment and be grateful for all the good and forget about the bad.

New tradition March 14, 2010

One of the things I noticed while doing the Unravelling course was the lack of pictures of all three of us. It’s Anthony and Dharma that we have photos off. I have (had) this strange bee in my bonnet about appearing in photos. However, I realized that life is too short and hence a new tradition was created by us: the monthly family picture. Once a month we will take a picture – either self-timer, photobooth or ask someone – to take a picture of the three of us.

Here is the March edition. Us in the photobooth.

Thankful Friday: Universal love March 12, 2010

As I am sitting here typing this post, knowing full well that I should be translating not writing blog posts (but then I write a blog post every Friday), well as I am sitting here I am looking at the wall in front of me at pictures, cards and my Mondo Beyondo affirmations. And the one I look at the most often is “You can trust your open heart.” In a way this has been the real motto for me this week. I need to constantly have to remind myself of this that trusting my heart when it’s the most open (and the most vunerable) is all I need to do.

I have received so much love this week it’s untrue. But it isn’t, it’s real and it has happened. I am so grateful for two of my pictures being featured on Pioneer Woman’s blog, so grateful for all the wonderful comments I had on my blog post from Tuesday about being worthy, so grateful for an email message that said: “You are enough”, grateful for friends making me laugh, so grateful for people getting “me”. I can honestly say that this week I felt totally and utterly loved wherever I went. And of course I always have the love of my husband and my daughter. Wow, so much love. Thank you.

I am also so grateful for:

- condiments. Boy do I have a thing for condiments. Dijon mustard, sweet chilli sauce, hot sauce, mayo and soy sauce and many, many more

- walking. I have been doing lots and lots of walking this week.

- I lost another 1 1/2 lbs this week… rather off then on me says (and that despite the baby head size croissant I had on Saturday)

- meeting up with my fellow Unravellers in London and having a blast. It was like meeting up with old friends. Wonderful time.

- cooking. I love cooking. But I also love a day off cooking.

- books, books, books. I read therefore I am…

- quotes, I ever have such a slight obsession with quotes (in case you had not noticed)

- my journal. Seriously journaling rocks my world. It sits right next to me at the minute.

Ok, better back to working. Have a nice weekend.

Weekends don’t count unless you spend them doing something completely pointless.  ~Bill Watterson

I am worthy NOW! March 9, 2010

I am not sure if you have seen it on Brene Brown’s Ordinary Courage blog but she is all about “being worthy” at the moment. If you leave a comment on the blog you may be lucky enough to get one of her DVDs …. And if you haven’t done so yet I really, really recommend reading her blog. She is one clever lady.

Worthiness or rather the lack of worthiness has been one of the major themes in my life up until a year ago. My life actually started right away with the theme of not being worthy. Both my parents did not care for me, I was severely neglected and within about 2 months of my life my mother had left and well my father sort of was there, but I was in care with paternal grandmother and grandfather. Malnourished, full of worms, sores – on the brink of death as the social worker put it. Both my parents lost parental rights and my grandmother got guardianship. Legally, my father wasn’t allowed to live with us, however, he still did. Crucial mistake.

So my life started with the two people who should love me most in the world actually not giving a damn. I was not worthy their attention, love and care.

Now, at almost 37 years of age I know that I no longer care. I look at my parents lifes and I feel lucky that I got away alive. Very lucky. You see I had no choice in the matter of who became my parents. No child does. Many people get pregnant not having a clue about how to be a parent. My mother was 17, my father 24 – however I believe my father never matured in his mental age to more than 13. I don’t know my mother at all, but I know my father: a self-obsessed, evil man who does not care for anything beyond himself. If I had a choice I certainly wouldn’t have chosen them as parents. So, yes I had no choice in the matter of who are my parents, but I have a choice now as a grown up how I relate to it.

It would be very easy for me to stay the eternal victim. Saying that I am not worthy for this and that because of the way I was treated when I was the most vunerable. I could blame everything on my parents and my grandparents, the social workers and how society failed me. It would be the easiest thing to do, I have often thought. Sitting in the corner “poor little me” and feeling sorry for myself. Not a nice life but certainly easy.

When I told my grandmother that Anthony and I wanted to have children, she got quite mad at me. She said: “You should never have children, you are not made for it…. you will just turn out like your mother.” Bang. That hit the nerve. All through my pregnancy I was worried about it. Would I just run away when my child was born leaving Anthony to fend for himself with a baby? Would I mistreat my child? Was someone like me – as damaged with such a bad genepool – actually worthy having a child?

No surprise I developed postnatal depression. I so felt like the victim in this life of mine. Slowly though, I dug myself out of the hole that I had placed myself in. Wasn’t easy. It helped though to realize that I was actually a fairly good mother. My instincts as a mother saved my daughter’s life when she was 6 months old. I actually loved and love being a mother. And then I began to see light at the end of the PND tunnel.

Last year, when my mother’s family contacted me, I suddenly had an epiphany. Hearing more details about my mother’s life and stories surrounding my early days as a baby, it suddenly hit me. I am worthy so much more than that. I may have been a victim but I do not need to continue to be one. I am worth more than that. I deserve more.

I realised that I had to let go of the past. Of course, I will not forget it but I don’t carry it around in my backpack with me wherever I go. I feel so much lighter since I made this choice. I am not saying that by choosing to let go of the past that it all just magically disappeared and that all open sores healed and all scares disappeared. Of course not. By deciding to let go though I made the choice of not dwelling on it. Of not letting it rule my world. Of not constantly talking about it. And I started to appreciate the person I am today. I am a fairly decent human being you know. I have my faults but overall I am a nice person. I am not like my parents that’s for sure.

And something else helped: My story is not unique. I know so many people with similar stories to mine. So many children who were raised on the “you are not worthy” diet all their childhood growing into adults who feel they are not worthy. So many. And I know of many who struggle to make it through. And I know many who are actively trying to be happy. And many who want to move on.

If you were – like me – been raised on a “you are not worthy” diet then let me tell you that you can change your diet to “you are so worthy”. Right now. It’s possible and you can do it. If I can so can anyone.

“Self-worth comes from one thing – thinking that you are worthy.” – Wayne Dyer

Wow, Wow, Wow March 8, 2010

Ok, I have been a huge fan of Pioneer Woman for so many years. She makes me laugh beyond belief and despite the fact that she is now huge – HUGE – in the States with cookbook out, appearing on TV etc, she is still in many ways exactly the same that she was when she started out.

Ree is a self-taught photographer and  I followed her journey as I have been reading her blog for years. And years. Well, better not talk numbers, let’s just say the oldest kids where littler then.

Anyway. I have been procrastinating a lot about adding a photo to one of her photography assignments. Actually not quite sure why but probably something along the lines of “why would she ever pick me” kind of pity party moments. Well I added the picture of my cat and hey, my photograph on a website that is looked at by thousands of people each day.

I know that for some people the excitement may not be understandable. But for me: Oh boy, I am so fricking unbelievably happy I could burst and shatter into 100000000 pieces and not give a damn. Right.

Where’s the wine?

Here’s the link: http://thepioneerwoman.com/photography/2010/03/your-cat-photos-group-1/

Look out for a ginger cat and the photo is obviously by Me, Myself and Other Things.

Thankful Friday: Recovering routine March 5, 2010

So, the husband is back home. Working back at the old employer who for now pays. I will one day write the saga down. The situation is not ideal. But for now we have money coming in and we are together, this has to be worth something. I can’t help but feeling that we have to somehow manage to break out of this weird cycle and I know it is possible. So for now I am looking for an answer on how to sell this house without loosing money. Actually, I would quite like to end with a bit of cash leftover. So Universe I know you listen, I need an epiphany. Thank you.

I had a stinking cold this week, it’s getting better and I am determined to go down to London tomorrow to meet up with my Unravelling ladies. I have been looking forward to it so much, I really, really don’t want to miss it. So I won’t.

I am thankful this week:

- Husband’s back home. Yay. It’s lovely.

- Nursery have been very good allowing Dharma to start 30 minutes earlier so Anthony could drop her off. Saved me walking Dharma to nursery and gave me some time to relax and recover.

- Kleenex balsam tissues. I don’t spending a fortune on tissues when they help me to not develop a red nose.

- for sunshine. Boy, a bit of sunshine heals the soul. I couldn’t enjoy it outside as much as I wanted to due to this cold but looking outside and seeing all this lovely sunshine just makes me happy.

- Marmelade. For some reason when I have a cold I want toast and marmelade. Strange but so comforting with a cup of tea.

- Dharma’s funny conversations. She celebrated my birthday every day this week (the real on is not until May). She sleeps in her bed all night. And she is happy Daddy’s home.

- Meditation. Still possible even with a stuffed nose.

- Bananas. I love bananas at the minute. (Dharma thinks I am turning into a monkey).

- Memory foam mattress. Best investment ever. We had it for almost two years now and I still love it.

- Things to look forward to. Plans being made.

- Realizing that I have to do things differently if I want different results. Doh. Doh. Got it now, thank you.

Have a good weekend every one.

Love Thursday: Happiness is a choice March 4, 2010

As you may know if you’ve reading here for a while, I believe that happiness is a choice. I believe that whenever stuff happens you can choose: will you be dragged down or will you move on. Sometimes this might not be so easy, the moving on part will proove to be difficult.

Let me tell you this (and this only based on my own experience, I am no psychiatrist, life coach or else, but I know this to be true): Whatever is going on in your life right now, however much it drags you down, however hard things seem right now there will be a time in your life – maybe in a year, maybe in 5 years, maybe in 10 years – that you will look back and you are over it. You may even think that things happened for a reason and that you learnt a great deal out of it.

I have many of those events in my life. When I was 13 and lived in constant fear of my father I thought that I would never ever be able to be happy. That my life would never begin. But it did. I moved to Munich and I began to be happy. When I had my heart broken in the most etrocious way and sobbed for weeks listening to sad music thinking I would never get over him. But I did. When my husband didn’t get paid for months and stuff after stuff happened I thought this may break us, ruin us and it will never get better – and yet here we are, still got a house, still have money coming in… we are not at the end of this situation yet which started 16 months ago but in a few years time I will think back and you know it all will be a distant memory.

Also every setback teaches me something about myself. E.g. I am incredibly adaptable and versatile when life throws stuff at us. I am a problem solver. I am a person who finds a solution. I also know now that I am incredibly strong. If I apply humour and kindness life is much easier whatever the setback is. That having a few good friends – however far away – is far more important than having a full social calendar. I also know that my marriage is strong.

I also know that people have the tendancy to make elephants out of everything that happens. I know I do. So it is important to ask ourselves how much time, importance and energy we are willing to give to certain events in our life. E.g. another car almost hit me last week, I had the choice: I could have sworn and shouted and let it ruin the day or I could count my blessings and be happy that nothing happened. There is the phrase: “Don’t sweat the small stuff.”  I always ask myself now: Is this really so important?

I am not saying that choosing happiness is easy but I do think it’s possible.

“Happiness cannot come from without. It must come from within. It is not what we see and touch or that which others do for us which makes us happy; it is that which we think and feel and do, first for the other fellow and then for ourselves.” – Helen Keller

This post is part of Love Thursday by chookooloonks

A stuffed nose March 3, 2010

I guess my body has been so tight all through February with the hubs away that as soon as he was back – and I exhaled – a cold found its way into my system. Nothing tragic, so don’t worry… just one of these head cold ones that make you feel a bit sorry for yourself .

So here I am: Box of tissues on one side, cup of tea (jasmine blossom naturally) on the other. Some daynurse already taken. Head fuzzy and translation in front of me. If you read this and consider working from home then let me tell you: There is no such thing as a sick day when you freelance. Sick = no pay. Sick and deadline looming = working anyway. Sick, deadline looming and being a mother = probably finishing translation off tonight when I should be sleeping.

Over and out.

Saving things for best March 2, 2010

I am also a bit sad that my grandmother didn’t get to meet Dharma.

My grandmother who raised me, was a teenager during WW2 and knew scarcity, frugality and making do. I remember late summers/autumns when my grandmother turned into an eternal squirrel. Pickling, fruit preserving, jam making, freezing, drying. Then stock piling things on offer like vegetable oil, more cans of things we didn’t grow in the allotment, toilet paper, soap, more toilet paper, flour, potatoes. Thankfully we had a large cellar and if you’d gone into our cellar anytime in October you probably would have thought you were in the store room of a small supermarket.

I know that the way she was brought up and what she experienced made her into that busy squirrel putting things away for winter. One year I found gingerbread in the juice pot in June. Yes, my grandmother regularly forgot that she had things stored away. She made me eat jam that had grown mould on top – of course she would scrape the mould off first. The sight of mould still makes me heave up to this day.

My grandmother also had this thing of “having best things”. Like I had a Sunday outfits and weekday outfits. My grandmother had a section of the wardrobe seperated for things “to take in hospital” if she/me/my father would have to go into hospital. Unfortunately her hospital things got used all too often while I was growing up. We also had dishes that were only used on high church holidays, you know the “good china”, “the good cutlery”, the “nice glasses”. The rest of the year we ate of mismatched plates, cutlery and drank out of rinsed out mustard glasses (bit of a German thing that).

I hardly ever stock pile myself. Sometimes I am tempted to buy 100 boxes of washing powder when “my brand” is particularly cheap, but I usually contain myself to two packages. And although I don’t force my husband to wear his “good suit” on a daily basis – as he is more a jeans and T-shirt kind of guy – we do not have clothes that we save for best. And I don’t have a hospital cupboard. My husband doesn’t even own a pyjama.

You see, I never got the idea about the “having something best”. The whole lounge sideboard in my grandmother’s flat was filled with stuff that got used very, very rarely. She loved these things so much though. And in my book if you love something use it. However, now that I am older I can sort of see where she was coming from – although I will not venture out to live like that myself – having a Sunday best kind of cupboard was to her a sign “that she made it” at least a little bit.

None of my grandmother’s big dreams materialised. The man she loved she didn’t marry and my grandfather was just a poor replacement. I think he knew. She wanted to travel and never did. She wanted a restaurant (and boy, she could have done she was an ace cook) and she never did. I think my grandmother resigned herself at a very young age to “this will have to do” attitude. The “best things” lifestyle seems like such a sad replacement to following your dreams. And this makes me so sad today, that I could weep.

Funny that, but I was thinking about this all morning. Feel better for writing it down.

Thankful Friday: Husband’s coming home February 26, 2010

Yay, tonight at some point my husband will be coming home and he won’t have to return for freelance to London – at least for some time.

Dharma’s sleep deteriorated a bit at the beginning of the week with her switching the main light on at random points in the night and playing for hours on end. I bought her a Disney princess torch/night light thing and unscrewed the bulb of the main light and after trying to switch the light on the first night, she has been asleep in her bed happily. I also put on the stars on the baby monitor and said that “as long as the stars are on it’s night time”. Seems to work so far. BUT I know that I might be tearing my hear out again in a week’s time. But for now: Thank you Disney for the princesses.

Today is also wear red day today in support of the British Heart Foundation. My friend’s baby has a serious heart condition and so I am wearing something red today (I actually don’t own anything proper red so settled for dark pink). I have donated this past week lots of clothes, books etc to the local BHF charity shop and bought a few things from the shop too. It is important to realize though that sometimes you do not have to strip your wallet of all the cash in order to do charitable good. Charity shops need to sell stuff and so they need stock. Why not have a rummage on your book shelves, kitchen cupboards, your wardrobe. Leonie is writing about “how to zen your wardrobe” so it could be a great way to do good … especially if you are on a budget.

Anyway, off my soapbox now.

This week above all I am so thankful for friends. You know, sometimes you see hardly anything of them and then suddenly you have a “date” almost every other day. Grown up chats, kids playing. Off to see another friend today.Yay.

My husband is coming home tonight. Yay, yay, yay.

Also thankful for books that take you so far away. My head is living in Tudor England, following Master Shardlake as he unravels mystery after mystery. I read C. J. Sansom’s books in every moment I can get. I finished Dissolution and Dark Fire, currently reading Sovereign. The books remind me a lot of P.D. James in the style of writing and the attention to detail. Entertaining, well-written. Don’t start reading it if you should be doing something else.

My daughter has been for the past few days and utter delight to be around. Funny, happy, playing, loving, cuddly. Happy to go to bed. As a mother you need days like this. The ones that make your heart swell in pride. The love explodes. Makes it all worthwile.

I said when I joined Weight Watcher’s online that I would join a group once Dharma goes to nursery. *cough* Dharma has now been to nursery for two months, but I now finally manged to join a group. Totally back on the wagon although slightly confused as to where I am as before I was checking the weight in kilos and now it’s in stone and lbs. It is always scary walking into a room full of women for the very first time. It’s done now and next week it won’t be new anymore. So I am thankful for that bit of courage I needed.

The Unravelling e-course is coming to a close and I am so very sad about it. You know I never would have thought it would have the effect on me it did. It has been such an awesome experience. I don’t really want to write too much about it, because it’s a very personal and also it’s Susannah’s property and I don’t want to accidently give stuff away that would spoil the experience for anyone reading my blog. Very thankful for all the lovely ladies I met. And I am going to meet some of them on the 6th March in London. Yay.

Thankful also for

mushrooms

skimmed milk

cute shopping bags

films

sky+

lavendar bath oil

fresh bedding

washing machines

my dyson

Have a nice weekend everyone.

Love

Mel xo