I did this for an e-course I am doing and thought I share it here too.
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How to live your life February 8, 2010
Don’t worry, I am not going to tell how to live your life. Not my place.
Things aren’t as smooth sailing as I wish them to be at the moment. Anthony working down in London during the week and Dharma and me in the Midlands is not ideal. Far from ideal. We miss each other. Single parenthood – even on time – is hard. Dharma’s sleeping issues are obviously related to Anthony being away, she looks for comfort and checks I am still around. The company he is actually employed at still owes us money and it is doubtful whether they are going to be around when he returns from London and even more doubtful if they will pay up. Anthony doesn’t feel comfortable taking the one job he had an interview for down in London and I respect his decision as I don’t want him to be unhappy at work. Yet, I wish it was different. Other job applications are pending. Things seem to move so slow, much slower than I wish them too.
I am quite calm about it all. 36 years of life have taught me that eventually all things resolve. I cannot push the things forward because artificial speed will not only cloud our judgement but it might also make us miss the turning we ought to take.
Still, I wish we had a solution. Knew what was going to happen next.
This morning I had the urge to write down some truths by which I want to live my life. A reminder that I can pull out when things get tough. The core and foundation I make my judgements on. It is a great excercise and I feel it will help me in the coming months and serve as a basis for decisions that have to be made in months to come.
1. Love – The knowledge that I love my husband and my daughter and I am loved back.
2. Trust – Trusting that we make the right decisions.
3. Listen to my intuition – I know what to do.
4. Enjoy the moment – Get outside as much as I can, play, read, but whatever I do enjoy the moment and not think what I rather should be doing.
5. Meditate – Meditation is the stuff that keeps me together. Meditation is a journey and I want to keep going on this journey.
6. Spiritual – I am a spiritual person, I need to acknowledge it, follow my hunches, learn Reiki, find my inner balance, live accordingly.
7. Take chances – Say yes as often as I can. Try new things. Don’t get stuck in a rut.
8. Passion – Do things I am passionate about. Don’t disgard them because they seem impractical. Don’t give the gremlines any room.
9. Family time – Do things as a family, go to National Trust/English Heritage places, holidays, travel, have fun.
10. Be positive – There is a silver lining to everything.
11. Be kind – Kindness, giving and knowing that there is good in everyone.
12. Be brave – I have more fun if I face those fears and do it anyway.
13. Do nothing – This is something I really have to learn. Just do nothing. Procrastinate. Enjoy it.
14. Joyful – My word for the year and something I need to tell myself over and over again: Woman, for goodness sake: Have fun!
Never too old February 7, 2010
Last week Sunday, when Dharma and I went to the park we met a Grandfather with his grandson in the playground. The man heard me speak German with Dharma and came over and started chatting with me in German. I was impressed. Very impressed.
I was even more impressed when he told me that he only started learning German 2 1/2 years ago. He always loved German philosophers and writers and when he turned 70 he decided that before he died he wanted to read them in German. Yep, you read this right, that man was 72 1/2. He was originally from Bangladesh and already speaks several languages.
When he left with his grandson he actually said: “You know you are actually never too old for anything.”
I have been thinking about this all week! It popped up all the time in my head. I have in the past struggled with missed opportunities, things I should have done when I was younger. More recently my thinking did shift a bit as I was picking up the camera, deciding to embark on another career. For crying out loud I am only 36 (37 in a few monts). One of my biggest regrets in life is listening to my grandmother and not studying History and Archaeology. I wanted to become either a Social Archaelogist specialising in 18th and 19th century social history or become a Historian and Archeologist specialising in the Celts.
I know I may sound totally and utterly demented considering I have only just begun doing my photography as a business, I am a freelance translator, mother and wife etc. Yet, I am determined to start studying history. It is on my Mondo Beyondo list from last summer and when I recently re-did my Mondo Beyondo list, it was on it again.
Yet, gremlins are obviously always popping in saying things like: too expensive, you have no time, what good will it do, why on earth etc…
And then I meet this old man, who said that Kant kept him going in really tough times. That reading Kant meant to him so much that he wanted to read the words in the language they were written. That he wants to read a poem by Goethe in German before he dies. He was very pleased that I got it and that I knew a few poems by Goethe of by heart. I guess as a non-German you may wish that all Germans love Goethe so much that they can recite it at any given moment.
I have the same thing with history. Knowing stuff of the past has always been so important to me. Not the dates, not the battles, but the way people lived, what made them tick, what were their days like, what did they eat, how did they celebrate. You know that sort of stuff.
I think I met this man for a reason. Firstly, it showed me that the power of dreams has no age limit. Secondly, doing some steps to achieve your dream is essential. And lastly, you are simply never too old.
All the interests of my reason, speculative as well as practical, combine in the three following questions: 1. What can I know? 2. What ought I to do? 3. What may I hope? – Immanuel Kant
A week in pictures February 6, 2010
I have decided to only post the pictures of my photo project on a weekly basis… So here you go Day 29 to Day
Day 29
Day 30
Day 31
Day 32
Day 33
Day 34
Day 35
Day 36
Thankful Friday: Thank God it’s Friday February 5, 2010
New Welcome Page Picture for Melanie Martin Photography
This week has been such a challenge on so many levels. My husband working down in London, so it’s Dharma, the cats and me. Dharma being really difficult about bedtime and getting out of bed for hours on end. One night this week she got out of bed every 15 minutes. One night it took three hours and then me taking her in our bed for her to go to sleep, which again resulted in no sleep for me as I was being kicked and literally pushed out of bed (a toddler that weighs 2 stone in the day, weighs about 10 stone at night – FACT!). Another night, I had to go in her room roughly every hour and didn’t manage to sleep in between at all. Last night though I changed tack and put her in her bed and stayed on her chair in the room, the deal was: if she lies down, I stay on the chair, no talking. She was asleep in 5 minutes.
Yesterday I was so tired (essentially I had two nights without any sleep, and the rest of the nights the most was 3 hours) and I had hit zombie state. I locked myself out of the house when I took Dharma to nursery, thankfully my neighbour was able to get me back in the house. Then I spilled Heinz Tomato Soup everywhere (an entire can) and boy does that stuff stain wooden floors. And then I dropped my brand new iPhone down the toilet.
Furthermore, I have eaten far too much this week, a combination of sleep deprivation (did you know that a lack of sleep makes you hungry? it does), loneliness and anxiety. Yep, this whole sleep thing made me a bit anxious.
So far not much of a gratitude post is it? Ok, so here’s the thing. I refuse to let this stuff get to me. Yes, it’s shite. In the big scheme of things: It will pass. And I can sort things out. It’s ok.
So this week I am thankful:
- For my wonderful neighbours. Seriously, they rock. I have to ask John and Dee if they want to adopt me. And Laura across the road who just gave me a hug (in reserved England nothing short of a miracle) when I just started sobbing (yes, tiredness makes me teary), when she asked me how I was. I am going to make a big bunch of cookies today and distribute to them all. Spread the love with bakery items.
- Apple. Yep, the people who make the iPhone at other cool products. Walked in their store with a broken iPhone suspended in a bag of dry rice. Walked out half an hour later with a brand new phone after paying the repair fee. The chap, who was so young that he could be my son (19, I asked, if I have had him at 18, he’d be my son…I know I am weird…) well he was so nice. Apparently I was customer number 10 with a water damaged phone this morning. He told me a funny joke which I won’t retell as I am so not good at telling jokes. I am now an Apple customer for life.
- Nursery. The three hours Dharma goes to nursery have saved me this week. I had a translation deadline. No time to work when she went to bed as I was busy returning her. So I managed to do it all while she was at nursery. Plus Dharma loves nursery. She now has a best friend there called Romy (which is funny as Romy was on my name’s list… ).
- I’ve met my translation deadline. This week: nothing short of a miracle.
- Thankful that I can cope. I am a strong woman, I can do anything. It wasn’t fun, but here I am on Friday and I am still alive.
- I’ve written a proposal this week for a cooperation for my photography business. I fitted it in.
- I’ve read this blog post about “having time” by my Mondo Beyondo friend Amber and I kept nodding my head. If you think you are too busy then you should read this.
- Thankful for all the good advice I received, my friend Emma texting me in the evenings encouraging me that it will pass, that I can do it. My new friend Lynda sending me a message. People have been so very kind this week. I needed it all. Thank you.
My husband is coming home tonight. I am truly, truly grateful for that. YAY!!!!
I am not a natural at motherhood February 1, 2010
You meet these women who just seem to be born to be a mother. Everything comes easy to them, they never complain, they still co-sleep happily with their children even after years, they never seem tired and they always seem to know what they do.
I have often wished that I was such a mother. Intuitively good at it. The truth is: I am not. Don’t get me wrong: I am certainly not a bad mother but I am not a natural.
I read every book on parenting I could lay my hands on, discarding most of the advice but taking things on board that make sense (I am big on what makes sense – ask my husband). I had many times, oh so, so many times when I simply didn’t know what to do. The 5am get up call is one of them and it still is a mystery to me as to why she went from never getting up before 7 to getting up at 5… for 18 months now.
When a challenge presents itself then I will be thrown out of my comfort zone. I will google, read blogs, ask friends, read books. Gather information, compare it to our situation. And then I will create an action plan.
I know that this must sound totally “what is she on about”… but bear with me.
See, I have friends that co-sleep, breastfeed their three year old and are generally easy going. Then I have friends who are the polar opposite. And then there are those who sort of are like me. Forever drifting in this big ocean of parenthood. Not quite knowing where they are heading, just drifting hoping for the best.
I say it again, I am not a natural at motherhood. I find it quite hard work. Fantastic, rewarding, the best job ever and I love my daughter more than any word can express. But when challenges present itself then I feel like: “Regroup, rethink, react.” And I so wish, I didn’t.
See she has started getting out of bed after I put her down. This evening I returned her over 80 times in one hour. Am I doing the right thing? Who knows. Do I have any idea what else I could do? No. Will I google it? Most likely. Will I moan and complain? Oh yes.
Sometimes I wonder if the lack of knowing what to do most of the time is due to my upbringing. Then I wonder if it is not more likely that those natural moms really are the minority. And then I think of what I read somewhere: I am the best parent I know how to be.
So, if this makes any sense to you, then please leave a comment. I’d like to hear from you. For now, I sip on some red wine and will go to bed soon.
Thankful Friday: It’s showtime January 29, 2010
Family portrait
Today is on so many levels a really important day. First of all, we had the first Estate Agent coming round to give us a rental valuation. I spent all of yesterday cleaning the house like a woman possessed and it is now so very, very clean. I am not really that good a housewife (I wish I was… but I always find other things to do… blame the camera, the books, other people’s blogs….), I mean I cook all the meals etc but I never manage to develop a routine for cleaning, tidying etc., rota or whatever… it usually ends up with a mad dash once a week and for about 30 minutes we achieve a state of utter sparkling cleanliness (I know I am not alone). For a long time I thought I have to fight against it… but you know: It’s not all that bad. On the contrary, I felt so bad yesterday that my daughter had zero attention from me all afternoon that I think a bit of dust on the shelves is really a small price to pay for a small child having her Mami to play with.
And then the husband is having an interview down in London… so keep your fingers tightly crossed between 4 and 5.30 this afternoon (1 1/2 hour interview… jeez… I wonder if they do a medical too).
Thankful this week:
- Standing up for myself. Not easy.
- I have been truly inspired this week by so many people out there. Reading some blogs, some facebook statuses… Wow.
- Dharma has been overall a really good girl this week, which is lovely. She wants to help all the time, she goes to the toilet now and she puts her bowl back in the kitchen when she has finished eating. She is also a real little star at pre-school and has made some lovely friends. My heart leaps when I come and pick her up and she hovers over the sandpit with “her” three friends and they chatter to each other. Oh and a little boy there loves her, so cute. He almost cried yesterday, when Dharma had to go home. So happy, she settled so easily.
- My husband designed an ad for me (I tried but it was just awful) and it is now appearing in a magazine that goes to every household in the posh area of town…
- I got an iPhone. Yay. For free. Yay. It’s a 3GS 16 MB. Yay. (I have a thing for gadgets, I think).
- I know this is a weird one, but I had such a funny occurence yesterday: Everyday when I pick Dharma up from pre-school I take the buggy with me as the way back is just a tad too far to walk when she is tired from playing all morning. So the buggy is empty. And because it amuses my daughter I always put a soft toy in the buggy. Every day this week I met this older lady and she did look a bit funny at me. Yesterday, after pre-school Dharma and I needed to take the bus to the shops and said lady appeared at the same bus stop. She did look very weary. I smiled at her. She looked it even more weary. Then she saw Dharma in the buggy and you could see the relief on her face… It suddenly dawned on me and I said: You thought that I was just pushing soft toys around for fun, weren’t you? She went all red in the face and said: Yes. Then we both laughed, we had actually tears in our eyes from laughing so hard. It really made my day.
- Thankful for being a sofa worker. Susannah Conway said this week that she works more and more on her sofa. Me too. We concluded that it is really a bit like having work time and down time at the same time. So grateful working for myself, being my own boss is certainly the best decision I have ever made. And I only realised yesterday, that now I have to businesses… So officially, I am a multi-business owner… on the way to my very own empire. Yay, me. 
- Thankful for keeping my calm. And considering I have had so little sleep this week, keeping my calm is nothing short of a miracle. Trust me, it hasn’t been easy and I had moments this week where my fuse almost burst and all I wanted to do was hide under the cover and never come back out again. But I didn’t. And now it’s Friday and I made it. Sanity almost intact.
- Thankful for winning Anton’s yoga give away. Wonderful, wonderful. Marianne makes those very special unique yoga videos complete with after care etc. Truly amazing. Try it if you can.
- Thankful for my positive attitude. A post over at Creating Wings had me thinking a lot since I read it. She does have a point, often blogs reflect such an ideal world and I began to wonder if I do the same. So I thought I clarify: Yes, I am trying to be positive, live in the now, not worry, move forwards. But trust me, it’s not always easy. Some days, well some days, all I want to do is hide. Though on those days I usually end up giving myself a kick in the behind at some point. Some days I do nothing but procrastinate. Other days I let my daughter watch too much telly. I am not perfect. Far from perfect, actually. But I have stopped striving for perfection. I stop myself from getting too down about things because life has shown me that looking back in a few months will make me realise how silly and unnecessary they were. So yes, I am thankful for my positive attitude. Because it can be hard work, but it’s so worth it.
And finally, if you do nothing else today, you must watch this video. I just love Katherine Center, she is awesomeness in human form.
Day 27 and 28 January 28, 2010
Sorry about the lack of photo post yesterday… I simply forgot to post it here… I have actually been thinking of doing a weekly mosaic…but if you want to see it day by day, then why not visit me on flickr?
Day 27: Meet Punk, the Squirrel that comes to see me every day after lunch when I do the washing up.
We like to eat together as a family, the three of us round a table, the same food. Dharma has the same food as we do since she was about 12 months old. Recently she has developped into a fussy eater, however, the rule is: If you do not eat you go hungry until the next meal. Mean Mummy and Daddy.
On hunches, intuition and gut feeling January 27, 2010
I have been thinking lots about intuition for over two weeks.
Over two weeks ago I did a 4 hour round trip with the car through the snow, just so I would have the car to take Dharma and her little friend to the music class. The music class was cancelled at the 11th hour. The thing is: My hunch told me, that it is not worth going through the hassle of all this and I felt that the class was going to be cancelled. But the other girl’s mother sort of “convinced” me that we had to go, I felt pressured to do it, despite my gut told me differently.When the class was cancelled I was more annoyed that I didn’t listen to my intuition than I was that the class was cancelled.
Ever since then I have been contemplating on how my life fares better when I am in tune with my intuition. I moved to the UK on a hunch. Went out on a blind date on a hunch… didn’t expect to meet my future husband, but something told me to go. I have applied for jobs because my intuition told me to do so. I have turned down jobs because my intuition told me it would be a bad idea. When I listen to what my “gut” tells me, then my life just rolls.
But there are plenty of times I didn’t listen to my intuition and it is usually not so good. I went and accepted a job that I felt was wrong and was miserable for almost 2 years. Bullied beyond belief. I was pulled into friendships despite my “gut” told me not to and have paid the price in having to uncomfortably breaking it off. Not following my intuition always ends up in pain, heartache and frustration.
So two weeks ago, I made a pact with myself: Follow my intuition. I may have to let down others on occasion but I have to look after my family and myself first. It is important to do what feels right not what others tell me I should do. Or what I think others expect me to do. If you are trying to meet the expectations of others but neglecting your own then misery will follow.
I know how daunting it is to acknowledge that something like intuition exists. After all we think so many things a day, how can we distinguish between hunches and what I call “brain overdrive”. For me, meditation helps. The aim of meditation is to not surpress thoughts but to slow your mind down. If you imagine that your mind is usually a gallopping horse (mine is) then meditation allows to bring the speed down to say a turtle. You can look at thoughts individually without too many others popping in your head.
You don’t need to do meditation though. You may find writing a journal helps, a walk in nature, having a bath, excercise or enjoying a sit down with a cup of tea and a biscuit. It’s what feels right that is right, usually.
How about we just all follow our intuition for a while and see where it takes us. I think it will be a fantastic place.
“We must not allow other people’s limited perceptions to define us”
On parenting January 26, 2010
If motherhood in itself is not already the full wammy in terms of emotional turmoil, steep learning curve and zombie state (sleep deprivation…) then wait until you venture out to take your first steps into playgroups, classes etc.
Mothers can be extremely cliquy, I mean often they know each other from antenatal classes and then they embark on those baby courses etc together. Or you only start to attend classes when the baby has become a toddler… I never felt more intimidated than walking into a room full of mothers and kids who all seem to know each other.
Yet, I perservered, I went week in and week out. I walked there in rain to arrive soaked only to be stared at. For 4 months no one spoke to me. Slowly, though the ice began to crack and you got to talk to people. And also slowly the mist of PND started to lift and I found it easier to engage with strangers. Slowly, very slowly it became a pleasure to go, because there were always people there to have a chat to. Dharma played, I talked.
As the kids get older, differences in parenting become much more obvious and behaviour in kids also becomes much more pronounced – as the parent’s reaction. E.g. my daughter will just not stand up for herself. Someone snatches the toy she usually moves on. Or if it is her Bunny she will cry and I go and get it back. Dharma has never ever hit another child. She has on occassion tried to snatch back a toy that someone else has taken away. So I have probably the comfortable chair to say: I don’t get it that parents are happy to watch their kid to go round and hit, spit, kick, snatch, push other children. And when you say something you be met with: They are just kids.
Maybe, I am too sensitive. Maybe I need to toughen up. But yesterday in Dharma’s music class I got really irritated as my daughter and another little boy were the only ones to do what the teacher asked, yet the kids that were misbehaving got all the attention. Instead of engaging more with the children who behaved the teacher engaged and almost rewarded the kids that misbehaved.
Writing this even makes me feel petty. I am a kind person, I know that parenting is a tough job and that sometimes kids play up and there is not much you can do. But doing nothing?
I know that some people may think: Well, then just don’t go. This, however, isn’t the answer either. Dharma loves her activities, she looks forward to them. She does get bothered when other kids are naughty but overall she still enjoys the class. I will have to try harder to find a balance for it in my head and my heart. Trying to embrace the kids as they are and hope that my daughter will at least learn how to stand up to bullies, if nothing else.
Parenting: Toughest job in the world. Most rewarding one as well.
